Jesus Envy

Some recent events have caused me to ponder how I interact with morality. I've been reading a lot about Jesus lately, and I even went to church recently to refresh my understanding. I've been to church probably 10 times in my life, and I've probably listened to twice as many sermons, so the rhetoric is not new. But I would say that for the first time I'm pondering Jesus' moral teachings and their implications on life - specifically how believers use his teachings. I'm also reading a book called Meditations, by Marcus Aurelius. The book was written by him a long time ago, for himself, to be used as a reminder of the person he strived to be. What both Marcus and the followers of Jesus have in common is a clear idea of virtue and a constant reminder of how to achieve it. This does not exist in my life, and I wish it did. I think it would make me a better person; help me get closer to the person I want to be.

I used to watch religious people repeat scripture over and over, and in my mind I would categorize it as weird and cultish, and part of the indoctrination process that enables a religion to survive. Regardless, if that's true, it also gives them exactly what I am looking for, because interwoven into those pious verses are reminders of how to be virtuous. The words are there on the page, in black and white, to guide and remind believers. Even though I disagree with a lot of the words, I'm envious of the fact that they have this practice in their life, and they take it so seriously.

If I'm going to incorporate this practice into my life, first I need a clear idea of what I think is virtuous. Religious people get it from their holy books; Marcus wrote his own book. Secularist seem to get it from a mixture of places: parents, society, teachers, their "gut", etc. Me, I probably got most of my morals from these places, but I mostly apply them only when a situation arises, or retroactively when I made a mistake and feel bad or am trying to make amends. I make time to establish clear career goals, and think often of my romantic goals, but not my "virtue goals", even though they are probably the most important of all - how ironic. In order to clarify my virtue goals, I figured I'd review the famous moral teachings in history: religions and philosophers. So I took a sample of what came to mind for religions: Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism, Confucianism, Hinduism. Then I removed all the teachings that are purely pious and not applicable to a non-believer (e.g., Remember the sabbath day). Then I looked at a few non-religious writings: Marcus Aurelius, a few Greek philosophers, and the "Atheist Commandments" on a popular atheist site. Surprisingly, or perhaps not surprisingly, there is a lot of overlap. The religious morals tend to be more pithy, the philosophical more nuanced. To create my own list is an incredibly profound and important task that I feel like I'm not doing justice with this article. You would think they would have entire retreats for this, like they do for yoga, but I've never heard of one. Anyway, I guess I have to start somewhere, so here goes, my first crack, in no specific order:

1. DO be compassionate
2. DO be sympathetic
3. DO be merciful
4. DO be a peacemaker
5. DO be charitable
6. DO be humble
7. DO be positive
8. DO be grateful
9. DO be generous
10. DO be loyal to those you love
11. DO be courageous in the pursuit of truth
12. DO admit when you're wrong
13. DO love everyone
14. DO forgive all debtors
15. DO focus on the now
16. DO follow the golden rule
17. DO help your community
18. DO be shameful about wicked acts and make amends
19. DO nourish relationships
20. DO lead by example
21. DO seek first to understand, then to be understood
22. DO follow my passions
23. DO think win-win when working with others
24. DO always seek to learn something new
25. DO form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience
26. DO always respect others who disagree with you
27. DO enjoy and explore sex in a safe way
28. DO NOT discriminate or oppress
29. DO NOT steal
30. DO NOT lie
31. DO NOT be a hypocrite
32. DO NOT be materialistic
33. DO NOT commit adultury
34. DO NOT judge
35. DO NOT seek retribution
36. DO NOT be suspicious
37. DO NOT engage in violence to any living thing
38. DO NOT worry about things you can't control
39. DO NOT betray someone's trust
40. DO NOT let failure cause you to lose faith in your aspirations
41. DO NOT let superfluous negative opinions affect you; opinions are human constructs
42. DO NOT forget that you will die one day; you only have one chance at life
43. DO NOT forget that every person is related to you; we are not that different from one another
44. DO NOT let negative emotions control you mind
45. DO NOT be ashamed to ask for help
46. DO NOT allow external evils to affect your internal happiness, realize they are separate
47. DO NOT engage in sexual misconduct
48. DO NOT overindulge in intoxicants
49. DO NOT be vain
50. DO NOT be selfish

And there it is. Fifty, neatly categorized into do's and do not's.

It's funny, some of these seem so basic that I bet you think you are beyond them, like "don't steal", for example. I know I did when I was writing it. But then I challenged myself and it turns out I'm not beyond it. Just yesterday I was trying to think of a way I could get the student discount with my Macbook purchase to save $100, even though I'm not a student. It doesn't have the same guilt associated with it as stealing from an old lady, but it's stealing nonetheless - and lying. Even the oldest virtues are as timeless as when they were first written, apparently. Needless to say, I paid full price after admitting to myself that I was in fact trying to steal.

This list is certainly not complete. Perhaps it will never be complete for me. Yes, I think I like it that way. Rather a continuous working document for the rest of my life. Something I can continuously read as a reminder, and improve upon as I go, like Marcus. He's become somewhat of an idol of mine, except for the fact that he persecuted the Christians in the 2nd century, definitely against multiple virtues listed above!

In the end, I only added a few that I didn't find in one of the sources I researched. It turns out that collectively they were quite comprehensive. This is the end of my post, but for reference, in case anyone is interested, I've listed all the virtues I found, by source, below.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jewish

- Honor your parents
- Don't kill
- Don't commit adultury
- Don't steal
- Don't lie
- Don't covet
- Do not hate

Christian

- Admit when you're wrong
- Be compassionate to all
- Be merciful to all
- Be a peacemaker
- Be sincere
- Love everyone
- Be charitable
- Be humble
- Be modest
- Forgive all debtors
- Focus on the now
- Follow the golden rule
- Do not be a hypocrite
- Do not be materialistic
- Do not commit adultery
- Do not judge
- Do not seek retribution
- Do not be suspicious

Marcus Aurelius

- Do not worry about things you can't control
- Do good for the community
- Realize that you are insignificant in the grand scheme of the universe
- Do not betray someone's trust
- Be shameful about wicked acts
- Do not hate
- Do not be suspicious
- Do not wish ill-will on others
- Do not be a hypocrite
- Do not do anything you wouldn't mind everyone knowing
- Do not sacrifice your morals, not even for the greater good
- Do not let failure cause you to lose faith in your aspirations
- Do not let negative opinions affect you by realizing that opinions are human constructs
- Do not forget that you will die one day; you only have once chance at life
- Do not lie
- Be positive
- Be grateful
- Do not overvalue anything; everything will end
- Do not forget that every person is related to you, and is less different from you than you think
- Do not let your emotions control you mind
- Do not be ashamed to ask for help
- Do not allow external evils to affect your internal happiness

Buddhist

- Be kind
- Be compassionate
- Be sympathetic
- Be calm
- Do not engage in sexual misconduct
- Do not take intoxicants
- Do not engage in violence to any living thing
- Show reverence
- Show humility
- Show gratitude
- Show patience
- Be generous

Confucius

- Tend to relationships
- Lead by example
- Be honest
- Be loyal to those close to you

Hindu

- Be selfless
- Be kind
- Be empathetic
- Be nonviolent
- Be courageous in the pursuit of truth

Islam

- Do not focus on material things
- Show humility
- Do not be vain
- Show moderation
- Do not be selfish
- Tell the truth
- Reunite friendship with those who have broken off from me
- Be generous
- Demand justice

Greeks

- Odinic Rite
- Courage
- Truth
- Honour
- Fidelity
- Discipline
- Hospitality
- Self Reliance
- Industriousness
- Perseverance

The Atheist Commandments

- Do not do to others what you would not want them to do to you.
- In all things, strive to cause no harm.
- Treat your fellow human beings, your fellow living things, and the world in general with love, honesty, faithfulness and respect.
- Do not overlook evil or shrink from administering justice, but always be ready to forgive wrongdoing freely admitted and honestly regretted.
- Live life with a sense of joy and wonder.
- Always seek to be learning something new.
- Test all things; always check your ideas against the facts, and be ready to discard even a cherished belief if it does not conform to them.
- Never seek to censor or cut yourself off from dissent; always respect the right of others to disagree with you.
- Form independent opinions on the basis of your own reason and experience; do not allow yourself to be led blindly by others.
- Question everything.
- Enjoy your own sex life (so long as it damages nobody else) and leave others to enjoy theirs in private whatever their inclinations, which are none of your business.
- Do not discriminate or oppress on the basis of sex, race or (as far as possible) species.
- Do not indoctrinate your children. Teach them how to think for themselves, how to evaluate evidence, and how to disagree with you.
- Value the future on a timescale longer than your own.
- Do not condemn people on the basis of their ethnicity or their color.
- Do not ever even think of using people as private property.
- Despise those who use violence or the threat of it in sexual relations.
- Hide your face and weep if you dare to harm a child.
- Do not condemn people for their inborn nature. ("Why would God create so many homosexuals, only to torture and destroy them?")
- Be aware that you, too, are an animal, and dependent on the web of nature. Try to think and act accordingly.
- Do not imagine you can avoid judgment if you rob people [by lying to them] rather than with a knife.
- Turn off that fucking cell phone.
- Denounce all jihadists and crusaders for what they are: psychopathic criminals with ugly delusions and terrible sexual repressions.
- Reject any faith if their commandments contradict any of the above.

Yuccanasia

Today I woke up around 1pm. Spent the usual 30 min browsing FB and the news in bed. Then got up and got dressed to experience the first meal of the day. Excited to go to the local Thai restaurant I hadn't visited in a week. I've established a relationship with the owners, which I don't think I've ever done. I guess I always thought of those relationships as relegated to TV shows, or other people. The owners are a couple and they have a half-Thai-half-white little girl that is adorable. The father is from Long Island. He and I seem very similar, personality wise. The mother is from northern Thailand. I don't know their whole back story yet, but I'm very curious. The most memorable thing about them is that they appear to be in love, based on their body language. Maybe it shouldn't have surprised me, but it did. Made me like both of them more. I guess I would assume that a couple with a 5 year old, that works together all the time, that comes from different cultures, and that has gone through the no doubt arduous process of opening and running a restaurant, would not be so in love; that the spark would have gone out by now. But they sneak kisses in while passing each other behind the Thai ice cream counter, and hug each other while watching their daughter play on her laptop. I tell myself that the fact that they are an inspiration to me does not bias my very positive review of their food, but it probably does.

So I step outside towards this restaurant and am immediately hit with the hot and humid weather. I play hopscotch with the shadows down the street and work my way towards their blue door. The door was closed, so I was looking forward to the air conditioned interior. I open the door and get a waft of urine. "Urine?" I thought. "Why urine?" I like this place to much to think of it as unclean. I try to power through it but it's not just the entrance, the entire restaurant smells like a subway platform. I look around and there are other patrons sitting and eating, seemingly oblivious. Another woman enters and I watch her closely to see if she makes any faces about the smell - nothing. I start a conversation with the Thai girls behind the register and ask "What's that smell?" "Oh yeah, I know it smells weird, it's because we cooked fermented bamboo." I say "Is that on the menu?" "No, we cook it for ourselves, it's a local dish. Why, what does it smell like?" First I didn't want to say, but she pulled it out of me. At that time my disgust turned to curiosity, but the fermented bamboo was not available to customers. So ordered my favorite spicy curry and lapped it up back at home.

After depositing a few checks, I stopped by the grocery store to grab a few raw roots to try. This requires a bit of explanation. I was vegan last year. An experience that heavily affected my perception of what's healthy. I'm off the wagon now, but always looking for more vegan/raw things to incorporate into my diet. I'd already been snacking on raw peeled jicama, a habit I picked up while in Mexico. Yesterday I tried raw peeled sweet potato and it was actually pretty good, tasted like carrot. So today I perused the fresh veggie section, looking for the weirdest looking roots I could find. I picked up a yucca and a normal potato. Got home and peeled the yucca first. Took a few bites. It was ok. Not much taste, really. A bit of a starchy/pasty after taste, but I had to reach for those adjectives. I think it had less taste than anything I've ever tasted, which is a strange and suspicious feeling. After a few more bites, I moved on to the potato. Having boiling these so many times growing up, I was extra curious. I bit off a piece and was surprised how juicy it was. They're so dry after boiling. This one was juicy like an apple; and crunchy, like an Asian pear. The taste was more starchy/pasty than the yucca. This one I clearly did not like - check. Then I set them both down and ate a few mangoes and came back to my laptop.

For some reason I started googling "eat raw yucca" and "eat raw potato". I was having visions of the scene in Into The Wild when he eats those seeds that end up being poisonous. First I searched for the yucca and immediately saw "Cassava [yucca] can never be eaten raw. Bitter, or wild, cassava contains enough acid so that it can be fatally poisonous if eaten raw or undercooked." Holy shit. This fear just went from being paranoia to serious. Then I do a few more quick searches, because I was in denial and didn't want to have to do the deed. All other googling produced the same result. Shit. Well, I can't let yucca be my undoing - that just sounds ridiculous. Although it would be a funny tombstone: "Yucca was his undoing". But, in all seriousness, it was time to pretend like I was bulimic. I haven't done this in, well, about 15 years, so far as I can remember, when I ate a steak that smelled funny. I'll spare you the details of what happened next. On second thought, no I won't. Let's just say that regurgitating spicy Thai, in a bathroom that reminds me of my college fraternity, was my lowest point in a few weeks. I just gained a whole new respect for eating disorders. For that to be better than digesting the food, wow.

Now I get to wait to see if my body absorbed anything. Symptoms are stomach aches, nausea, cramping, etc. What if this is it? What if I absorbed enough and these are the last few hours of my life? Obviously I don't think they are, otherwise I'd be high-tailing it to the hospital. But, hypothetically, if these were the last few hours of health, what would I do with them? What would you do with them? A few hours isn't much time. A few days or weeks can be planned out and maximized, but I can't even see friends in a few hours because they're working. Aside from calling loved ones to say goodbye, I guess I'd do exactly what I have been doing for the past month during my "break" from the workforce. I wake up whenever my eyes open, exercise, have a leisurely first meal, mess around on the internet for a few hours, which either involves reading/researching random stuff or writing in some form (e.g., long emails to friends, atheist-Christian websites debates), then I usually watch a documentary, then I'll read on my kindle, then I usually see friends or go on dates at night. I guess that is exactly what I would do if I could do anything, because I can do anything and that is what I have been doing. Although, that desire is not constant. It's been evolving. I've slowly been replacing "break" with "creations" the past week. Be it a painting, this blog, or whatever comes to mind (or whatever Jeannie proposes). I'm very much in a "why not?" state of mind right now. I look forward to the future - and I'm hungry again.